Humor
It's important to be able to laugh at the ridiculousness of living with chronic illnesses. Laughing actually helps your mind and body (see Laughter Yoga, for example). Here are some funny or ridiculous things I have come across or experienced firsthand.
Doom Loop
I get urgent diarrhea when I'm stressed. So, obviously, I'm anxious about getting diarrhea away from a bathroom. But anxiety is stress. So I get diarrhea from worrying about getting diarrhea!
Getting Through Security
Q: Can I fly with my 40 supplements?
A: Yes, just get a signed letter from your doctor stating you're a hypochondriac.
Moldy Plant Lover
I love plants. Apparently, I have more in common with them than I realized — I can catch their diseases.
One of my doctors told me that Epicoccum, a cheerful-sounding leaf mold, had taken up residence in my descending colon. I believe it happened after I ate some undercooked, overaged asparagus. That’s right: asparagus. I wasn’t licking compost or nibbling mildew. Just trying to eat a vegetable.
Turns out, I can also get into trouble even with frozen vegetables – if they’re not cooked thoroughly. Now I religiously cook everything. I don’t eat anything I haven’t prepared myself. I nuke meals like I’m decontaminating a biohazard.
When I told a friend, "I have to cook all my vegetables or I catch plant diseases," he burst out laughing.
I didn’t.
The asparagus wasn't amused either.
Trauma Team
I’m totally fine with my blood.
But someone else’s? Completely grosses me out.
My partner is the opposite — they pass out at the sight of their own blood, but can handle other people’s just fine.
So if there’s ever a traumatic accident, at least I'm good.
As long as we’re not both bleeding at the same time.
I Don't Recall
Doc: So how long have you had brain fog and memory problems?
Patient: What memory problems?
Specialist A
Have you seen [any other specialist besides me!] for your complaints?
Specialist B
Your labs were below the cutoff, so you don't have that disease and I can't help you. Sure, you have all the symptoms, but that lab result is the gold standard and we use evidence-based medicine here.
Specialist C
Before Colonoscopy: I'm so sorry to hear about all your GI problems. We're going to take a look and get you the help you need.
After: Well, we didn't find anything. Thanks for coming in.
Specialist D
Doc: That supplement isn't helping you – there's no peer reviewed study on it.
Me: I don't care whether it might help other people, just that it is actually helping me!
Doc: Uh, well, um, I guess it could.
Specialist E
Doc: You're not going to get better unless you take X.
Me: But X gives me diarrhea. What can I do?
Doc: [Sound of Crickets]
Specialist F
Doc: The test result is that your muscles are normal.
Me: But aren't they tight compared to most people?
Doc: Well, they are tighter than most, but it's below the cutoff for the test – so they are completely normal.
Tech Support
Doc: Your brain scan was normal.
Patient: Great — does that mean I finally qualify for U.S.-based tech support?
Rethinking Energy
Chronically Fatigued (explaining Spoon Theory): I only have so many spoons I can use each day.
Me (trying to provoke a reset): "Instead, only try to realize the truth: there is no spoon." – The Matrix
TV Hack
I used to roll my eyes at those absurd Vicks ads — “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.”
These days, I hear myself saying, “I’m not a doctor… but I play one in real life.”
Open Loops
Mr. Green: Hey, we haven't seen you at our RSI support meetings in a few years. How are things going?
Ms. Scarlet: I'm doing great! I just came because I was really interested in this talk on Dr. Sarno's books. I used them a few years ago to completely get over my RSI.
Mr. Green (shocked): That's wonderful! But... why didn't you ever tell anyone in the group about them?!
Never to be Held Olympic Events
Simultaneously exploding at both ends on one toilet and keeping the bathroom pristine.
Long Term Prognosis
Oh well, someday we'll all be dead.
– Marion Barry (Dave Barry's mother)